That empty feeling...

Ever get that empty feeling in the depth of your soul? I am sitting here in a hotel room thinking how nice it would be to have the comfort of 'maleness', as I like to call it, around me. Thinking of how awesome it is to feel those strong arms wrap around you making you feel safe, catching a whiff of that cologne that you know so well and absolutely love.

Being away from my home, my room, my comfort zone, looking up and seeing no one else in the room with me, hearing the wind and the rain outside, it brought on this empty feeling... It kind of reminds you that you are human. It reminds you that you sometimes miss having someone. A lot of the time, you get so caught up in your life and you don't even realize that there is something amiss until you feel that pang.

I have learned to weather it, let myself feel what I am feeling. I have learned to allow myself to be honest. To admit that yes in this moment, right now, I really do wish I had that special someone. But I also know that I will not die from the emptiness, and it certainly won't hurt my esteem in any way, it is a simple admission of what is. So many times we hide behind the curtain of 'self sufficiency'. The 'I do not need anyone in my life' mantra - which is totally fine if that is in deed a true representation of what you truly feel. I find it a lot easier to weather the moment and let it pass when I am not hiding behind a curtain of denial. I have done that, but it only served to mask the pain and the loneliness and if anything, it made the pain worse. Accepting it, knowing it is real, and even coming up with a game plan to change your situation if you choose to, makes it bearable. Soon enough the pang subsides, the emptiness goes away, you pick yourself up and you move on.

I have been on quite the journey these past few years, I have been on a search to find myself. It has been downright gut wrenching at times, there were many moments when I constantly asked myself if I had truly made the right decision. Could I go back? Could I change my mind? It was the scariest thing stepping out into a world where I was alone. I had to come up with rent, utilities, groceries, insurance, cell phone bills... the list is endless & I didn't know how I was going to do it on my own. I had always had a roommate and then we had my ex-mother in law's help. Now, now I was on my own. I had to grow up fast! I had to start making smarter choices. Things like cable with all the channels & movies just wasn't going to cut it anymore. I literally had to strip down to the basic essentials. I thought I would die; however, just like everything else I had gone through, I realized that life could go on without cable, or eating out everyday. I adapted. As I kept steady on this track, budgeting my funds and being smarter - I slowly started to dig myself out of the hole that I had created for myself. Sure my ex had contributed to it, but I allowed myself to get sucked in. Some things follow you through life, debt being one of them, and something that I now have to work on. Growing pains they call it. Lessons learned the hard way - but lessons one doesn't forget.

So sitting here listening to the wind and the rain, looking at the untouched portion of my bed, I feel the pang - BUT I also feel warmth; the warmth being that some day soon my soul mate will be sitting next to me looking over my shoulder and wanting to know what I am writing about... It makes me smile. Knowing that I have been through the fire, I have felt the gut wrenching pain, I have doubted my decisions but somehow, somehow I kept moving toward the light, I kept pressing on, I kept being honest with myself. I have to say, true healing didn't begin until I truly forgave myself for everything I put myself through and every decision I made that lead to the very pain and anguish that nearly killed me. Once I forgave myself, I found that it was truly easy to let go. That is when true happiness, relief, and clarity begun to seep into my life and it hasn't stopped since...