Healing pains

The journey to discovering the new me was not particularly easy, nor was it as excruciating or the end of the world as I had thought it would be. The latter thought process being something that paralyzed me for years, kept me from leaving, kept me from being honest with the damage that was running arife within me.

I always find it amusing when I meet people I haven't talked to or seen in years and I tell them I am divorced and their first statement is almost always "What happened? You guys were so happy! You were the perfect couple!" If I had a dollar for each time someone told me that line, I sure would be a millionaire now. I always and still give a generic answer, only a select few know the details. I never felt that it was my place to air the details of our break up to just anyone - especially those people who you simply knew just wanted to have the inside scoop. The people who mattered already knew my/our reasons. Which may beg the question 'why are you writing about it now?' I ask myself that too. I find that I just wanted to write from the soul, share my story with cyber space I guess. Perhpas the Universe will guide someone to these pages, who may need to read what I have been through and apply it to their lives somehow. This is my outlet of sorts; I find it rather calming.

So many times, people will only see the 'perfection' that is your relationship if you appear to be or once were a 'happy couple'. Were we in love at some point of our relationship? Very much so; was our relationship a good one? At multiple points it was; did it have the ability, strong foundation to weather the storms that were brewing ahead? In the beginning - yes; towards the end as we 'grew up' - no. This is the part that no one saw, or that no one wanted to see. They knew the younger, slightly naive, very sheltered, extremely happy, romantic, innocent versions of us and they froze that in their minds. So when the laughter stopped reaching our eyes, when we stopped holding hands, when we made separate trips to visit friends and family, when I went out without him - things that were glaringly obvious to me, no one saw it, no one took notice, no one questioned it, no one asked if everything was okay.

I remember so many nights when I cried, nights where I was literally screaming into the phone and my bestfriends would sit quietly on the other end listening and not always knowing what to say. This was my reality towards the end, and for a very long time, this is all I knew my relationship to be. The happy memories, the laughter, the joy, the tingling sensation, the rapid heartbeats when I saw him, felt him, kissed him . . . ALL those memories got buried under the hurt, the pain, the resentment, the bitterness. I was literally suffocating and I couldn't breathe. This is the point at which I learned how to switch off my feelings, my emotion. The day I decided I had had enough and I was leaving, was the day I literally shut off my feelings for my ex-husband. I do not know how I did it, I just knew that if I was going to survive, if I was going to heal, if I was going to find myself, I had to do it. I figured out that it really is possible to turn off the source of the pain.

I had to let go of everything I knew, I had to let go of friends, I had to let go of possessions, things that would remind me of him, things that would cause 'clutter' in my life. The toughest part was the friends. These were people I had known for years, who I had become close to, people I loved. I remember the moment I let go like it was yesterday. Everyone who knows me, knows I love my birthday and I love to celebrate it in style. On my birthday following our break-up, I discovered my ex was dating a mutual friend, all my 'friends' knew about it, and literally 'stood me up' on the eve of my birthday. We were all supposed to go out that night, but because my ex chose to go out too, (and I suppose his girlfriend would be there too), my friends felt it would be awkward and neglected to call me to tell me where we were to meet up. I thought the plan got cancelled and I was bummed of course, but when I found out the reason I was completely crushed. This wasn't the main plan of course, but it was on the list, and this of course affected The Main Plan because my friends were clearly not going to show up, (except for my best friends of course, who made the night absolutely wonderful). I felt like someone plunged a dagger into my heart. He was going to get to keep our friends, which really were his friends originally, but still - it hurt. Someone had told me this would happen but I really didn't think it would, and I definitely didn't think it would hurt as bad as it did.

I look back at it now, and I realize that it probably was the best thing that could have happened. It allowed me to really take a step back and finally open my eyes. For the first time since the break up, I realized that we had broken up - if that makes sense. It hadn't quite hit me that my marriage was over because I really didn't change much about my life. Sure I moved out, but I still talked to his mum, I still talked to him from time to time, I still hang out with our 'crew'. The main difference to me at the time was the ability to breathe, the freedom I had and that I loved. So this was the wake up call I needed. I would have preferred a more subtle nudge but then again that wouldn't be a wake up call. I went underground after this happened and kept away from events, functions, parties that I knew that our crew would attend. It was tough because I love to party and be around friends, but it was necessary. With time the pain ebbed away and once again, I learned that letting go wasn't the end of the world. It was the first step of many more; the real me was very slowly starting to peek out her head again. I caught a glimpse of her and I had to keep going, no way was I going to stop now...