First Steps...

I am not much of a writer really, though lately I have had this urge to sit down one quiet evening and just write something from my soul. My life has been quite the journey over the past 3 years. Truth be told, had someone had come to me 4 years ago, and said to me that I would be sitting in my living room today, divorced, blogging about my life and on the verge of moving to a different state to start a whole new chapter of my life, I would have laughed at them till my sides hurt and bet them my entire year's salary. A bet, no doubt, I would have lost.

See I was the 'good girl' who did everything right, went by the book, followed all the rules. I was going to get married for life, I was going to have a family some day, even though I knew I didn't want kids, but that is what was expected of me and I know somehow it would have happened. I married into a family that (at the time) you either followed their rules, or you followed their rules. It was tough to break into their inner circle (and something I don't think I ever achieved). There wasn't any room for negotiation, and if you dared to stand up for yourself, or go against the grain, you found yourself on the outside looking in, seeking approval and not getting it. However, the moment you said, I am sorry, my bad, I was wrong, they would open up their arms and say good girl. That is what we like to hear. You are learning, you are becoming a woman. But are you really? Is that really any way for someone to live?

For the longest time I battled within myself. There was a war raging inside of me. A part of me begging and pleading with me to walk away; the other half still standing strong saying this is the right thing to do. You have to stick it out, you cannot let all these people down, you have to fight through it. I was so worried about everyone else I did not pay attention to myself and to what I needed. I spent the night before my wedding in tears, saying how I didn't want to get married, but the next morning I got up and I walked down an aisle and said 'I do'; when all I wanted was to run for the hills. I did it because so much money and time had been put into the wedding, how dare I walk away? What about my husband? Didn't he count? I loved him - didn't I?

I stayed in the marriage where for a good portion, not the entire marriage because there were plenty of great moments, but for perhaps half of the time, I felt alone, I was miserable, bitter, resentful and negativity  oozed through my veins. I literally felt a part of me die each day. There were many tears shed, many fights, many doors slammed, many friendships lost and a world of damage caused that neither of us ever imagined possible. The realization that it was time to walk away didn't hit until I almost lost my job. That was the only thing at the time that was mine, the only thing I held onto, the only thing that took me away from my reality. The day I almost lost it, was the day I realized I needed to get up and get out.

I went home having dodged a bullet as I got to keep my job based on their faith that the real me was still in residence somewhere. I was given a second chance one that I was not going to take for granted. That night after one of the nastiest fights I can recall, my husband at the time, packed a bag and left to go somewhere he would have peace, with his family. I didn't stop him, if anything I encouraged it. The relief I felt when he drove away is indescribable and also sad. For the first time, I felt like I could breathe again. Little did we know that that would be the last time we stood under our roof as husband and wife. My world was about to get bumpy.

It wasn't even so much about the job, I think in that moment, when I snapped at my boss and I ended up in the top office facing a possible suspension, I realized that I had changed. The real me didn't end up in meetings like those, the real me was warm, fun, bubbly, alive, friendly. The woman staring back at me when I looked in the mirror was far from that. She was bitter, angry, spiteful, cynical with not a care in the world. She had put on a lot of weight, didn't care about her appearance at all! Who was she? Where did she come from? When did she take residence? And most importantly, what had she done with the real me? Would I ever find her again?