. . .

I have been feeling a little empty, a little unsure, a little lost of late. It is a little odd for me because for the most part things are really starting to look up. I have been through quite the ringer and I am on the other side of that storm now and I can totally see the sun peeking through the clouds.

Something just seems to be missing and I cannot quite put my finger on it yet. Actually I know what it is - I have that lonely feeling in the pit of my existence. I have a lot of friends and they are great friends, however they are not always available, as is the nature of our extremely busy lives. So if I want to do something, it is not always possible and more often than not I end up staying home which can really get old.

I miss the feeling of belonging somewhere, to someone, being a part of something. I miss that. In Kenya I had the crew at church, we spent most of our time there laughing and having fun. When I wasn't at church with the crew, I was out on dates with my boyfriend. In TN it could get a little tough but I did have somewhere to go and I had cheerleading so it was okay. In Baltimore I had my ex, his family and his friends; I was rarely alone and after the day I always had him to 'go home to'. So even though I am currently free, single, independent and happy right now, I would still like to have that pocket where I fit, to get out of the house and have some fun outside of work.

Another thing I miss: being seen... I miss the presence of 'maleness' in my life. I work hard, play hard, I live my life and I do pretty much what I want to do. Even so every now and then I get this pang where I would just like to have a steady 'maleness' in my life (as I like to call it) ... I would like to get off work after a long day and just fall into his arms. Maleness is a good thing - and I will be honest and say I miss it.

I think this is why I have made so many rush decisions when it comes to men. Something that hasn't quite worked out yet. Sigh - Summer is here. This time of year is the toughest for me, I love being up and about, going places and doing things. Having that someone to do it with would be a plus.

So I feel like a ship on a very calm sea. I have gone from one extreme to the other, being tossed around and getting dashed against the rocks, to having no wind to fill up my sail... I need some excitement - the good kind of course. So Universe would you be so kind and indulge me?