The Heart

There are moments in life when the heart is at full capacity. It gets to a point when it just can't take anymore and the tiniest thing becomes the straw that broke the camels back, the last strike that caused the dam to break, the last wave that created a tsunami....

Thing is, we can go along our path, taking hit after hit and absorbing it within our ever so strong armor, telling ourselves we are okay, we can handle it, we can hack... When in reality our brace plate is getting weaker & weaker with each blow.

I have been growing and learning with each experience, with each heart break my heart ironically got stronger, my wisdom grew exponentially and the light bulbs went on time and time again. You'd think it was for the good and that light would flood in and everything would be fine right? Well the lights came on alright.... Full blast and fully functional! Only thing I noticed that the dam was about to break right at the point that it broke. And if you've seen any movie with a dam breaking, there is no stopping it.

For the past three days my heart has been in pieces and the tears won't stop. When the sun goes down and I'm all alone, the tears just start flowing. In my mind I'm mourning the pulling away of the latest hottie... But deep down I know it's for all of them. All the missteps, the mistakes, the foibles, the insecurities all of it. And perhaps all these lessons were for this very moment. The moment I was finally able to let go... Let go of the old version of me and prepare my heart for the whole version. The version that is strong enough to accept love, to be loved, to be placed on a pedestal and to thrive in that world. To say goodbye to the version who didn't understand her worth, and embrace the woman who knows how valuable she is.

A cleansing, a burial, a memorial service. Though we adorn ourselves in black and mourn, we know that it's a continuance day and that is something worth celebrating. Just as surely as we know our dearly departed are just fine and partying in the next realm, as surely as we know the dawn will come, the sun will rise, is as surely as I know that after this storm, after the dam empties out, there will be thee most beautiful view with thee most gorgeous sunrise and thee most breathtaking experience standing on the edge of that beauty taking it all in... I cannot stop the flow of water, but I can let it take its course because when it's done, it will have cleared out a clear path with no boundaries giving way to the most breathtaking view ever seen. And that is worth the agony I'm experiencing right now....

The Unexpected . . .

We as humans have a tendancy to question things, good or bad, that we don't quite understand. When good things happen we sometimes feel they are too good to be true and literally wait for this good thing to vanish, end, or take a turn for the worse.

When did that happen? When did we start thinking of ourselves as so unworthy that when something good happens, we immediately start thinking what is wrong with this? When will it end? What am I going to do to screw it up? And before we know it we end up bringing the very worst into our lives and then saying 'I knew it!' Self-sabotage - when did this strain seep into our existence?

Sometimes in life, when you least expect it, you get what it is that you have been looking for. The trick is accepting it for what it is for as long as that moment lasts, for as long as it carries you.

Good things do happen and I wager they would happen more often if we allowed them to. I am beginning to see that. A few months ago, I thought my life would end, I thought I would quit my job, quit school, change profession and eventually start over somewhere else.

The Universe knew different, kept me in place and helped me weather one of the toughest periods of my life to date. I have been slowly picking up speed, realizing my worth, my strengths, my weaknesses and figuring out who I am.

Everything in my life is taking an up-turn, with school, work, friendships, love... it is all falling into place. I simply didn't think it would happen so soon or this year, I knew it would happen, I just didn't know when. Turns out the moment I let go & let the universe ... it all just happened.

I am not questioning it, or fretting about the what ifs or entertaining the when will it end questions.. I am letting this moment carry me and I am thankful for it every day...

Thank you Universe!!!
xoxo
Me.

. . .

I have been feeling a little empty, a little unsure, a little lost of late. It is a little odd for me because for the most part things are really starting to look up. I have been through quite the ringer and I am on the other side of that storm now and I can totally see the sun peeking through the clouds.

Something just seems to be missing and I cannot quite put my finger on it yet. Actually I know what it is - I have that lonely feeling in the pit of my existence. I have a lot of friends and they are great friends, however they are not always available, as is the nature of our extremely busy lives. So if I want to do something, it is not always possible and more often than not I end up staying home which can really get old.

I miss the feeling of belonging somewhere, to someone, being a part of something. I miss that. In Kenya I had the crew at church, we spent most of our time there laughing and having fun. When I wasn't at church with the crew, I was out on dates with my boyfriend. In TN it could get a little tough but I did have somewhere to go and I had cheerleading so it was okay. In Baltimore I had my ex, his family and his friends; I was rarely alone and after the day I always had him to 'go home to'. So even though I am currently free, single, independent and happy right now, I would still like to have that pocket where I fit, to get out of the house and have some fun outside of work.

Another thing I miss: being seen... I miss the presence of 'maleness' in my life. I work hard, play hard, I live my life and I do pretty much what I want to do. Even so every now and then I get this pang where I would just like to have a steady 'maleness' in my life (as I like to call it) ... I would like to get off work after a long day and just fall into his arms. Maleness is a good thing - and I will be honest and say I miss it.

I think this is why I have made so many rush decisions when it comes to men. Something that hasn't quite worked out yet. Sigh - Summer is here. This time of year is the toughest for me, I love being up and about, going places and doing things. Having that someone to do it with would be a plus.

So I feel like a ship on a very calm sea. I have gone from one extreme to the other, being tossed around and getting dashed against the rocks, to having no wind to fill up my sail... I need some excitement - the good kind of course. So Universe would you be so kind and indulge me?

Dawn Will Come . . .

I am slowly coming to learn that no matter how painful any situation may be in that precise moment - it will pass. You will literally wake up the next morning, or the one after that, or the next ... however long it takes, you will wake up and you will realize that you survived what you believed to be the impossible. The storm will pass, the clouds will clear, the sun will come out and shine on you like never before. You will live, you will survive, you will smile again.

I missed my brother's wedding. I missed being with my family. I missed being with my sister and best friend again. I missed out on the laughter, the silliness, the dancing, the partying, the whole nine yards. There was massive fun happening on the other side of the globe and I missed it. I could barely breathe, I couldn't get it out of my mind, I couldn't escape the seering pain coursing through my body. I badly wanted to be there. I broke down and I was literally in tears - Man that HURT!!!! I didn't expect that level of pain or emotion, it took me by surprise and I will never forget that pain.

I didn't think I would be okay, I didn't think I would get over it, but I did and I have. Not to say that it doesn't matter anymore per say, simply that I lived through it, I cried, I hurt, I came to terms with it and it passed. It opened up my eyes to a few things. The first and obvious thing being that I will never miss another family function again. I do not want to experience that pain again. Secondly, I am tired of being broke, of not having plenty of money to do what I want, when I want, how I want. It awakened a whole new drive in me to end this cycle and truly start working toward building my dynasty.

Another thing is that I need to make my life a happy place for me. I need to stop going through the motions and really start feeding my soul. I could move to a hundred different companies or move to a different state, but if I don't fix myself it won't matter at all. I need to create my inner joy and start making myself a whole person. I have been stuck in a rut and because of that nothing seems to be thriving. I need to change that.

I have decided to join a dance studio and start taking Salsa lessons again, I am also going to join a gym and work out 4 times a week, buy healthy food and change my diet and I am going to get my sister to help me draw up my business plan for my hotel. I need to change my internal environment, my outlook on life, create my happiness for me.

I am going to stop waiting for my Xakuna to show up you know. Life is passing me by as I wait and I keep jumping at everything that comes my way... and that my friends is not attractive nor is it fulfilling or productive, not by a long shot. I am stifling the very essence of Emma. I have been waiting for too long, at work, with my friends, my personal life, my love life, working out, better financial decisions.. I have been stuck in a rut and it is now time to break free and start living for me, doing my own thing and creating a complete me.

Here is to living!

Blue Skies

I have been on one of the craziest emotional roller coasters that I have been on in quite some time. I have experienced every emotion underneath the sun. I cannot even begin to explain what has been going on in my head and heart. I was so broken that I literally just wanted to crumble and give up and I almost did. Actually for a moment there, I did. At the time it just wasn’t worth the aggravation, the migraines, and the stress levels that were literally consuming every breath that I took. The moment I made the decision to leave I felt instant relief, I just knew I was making the right decision and the weight just came off my shoulders.

Well after everything being stripped away and being questioned over and over again, I honestly started to doubt myself and what I stood for. I was so overwhelmed and so deep in my world that I hadn’t even realized how much things were getting away from me. I honestly can’t even tell you what I was doing for the first part of this year, what changes did I make? What improvements did I make? How did I let it all get away from me? Like where was I when the hotel was going down the drain? Sigh – I don’t know how or when it happened but it did and it sucks.

I could of course roll over and throw up my hands in defeat and say I tried it but it didn’t work and go back to what it is that I used to do which really is what I had opted for initially. It made perfect sense and it is less stress and I can go about my business, let someone else take the heat… Truth is I honestly don’t know that this is my thing. Looking at numbers, forecasting, controlling expenses, answering to the big dogs… Hmm honestly don’t like this part of the job. It is not my thing, too much politics, too much stress, too much backstabbing. Everyone is out for themselves and they will do whatever it takes to push the focus and blame onto someone else.

I guess the tough part is actually admitting that yeah, I did a pretty crappy job at this, I didn’t do as well as I should have, I didn’t really pay attention to the little things, I could have done a lot better, that is the plain and simple truth. So when all is said and done, I decided to give this a try, only this time, I would do it my way and quit listening to what others thought I should do. Bosses or not, sometimes you just need to take ownership of your ship even if it goes against the ‘powers that be’. That truly is what got me into this mess and I did nothing to stop it. I know what my strengths are and I need to maximize on that.

See I have this thing where I just have to learn things the hard way. SMH!!!! Why I just don’t do things the easy way the first time is a little beyond me. Really now! Lol – but this is what I am up against at the moment – a very long trek uphill but I know I can do it and I damn well won’t be making these same mistakes again. Geez! Talk about learning a lesson.

Speaking of lessons, here is another one… heartache! I feel like I am slowly becoming an expert on this subject. Not necessarily a trophy I like to display on my mantle, lol but all the same I am learning this game. Since 2008 I have met a few guys, gone on a few first dates, and had a couple one night stands, a couple friends with benefits, a potential boyfriend and even a serious boyfriend. There have been some ups and downs some heart ache along the way, some regret, some serious anger that took me to some really dark places… I somehow always managed to turn off the feelings, get up the next morning and keep going. I am not one to dwell on emotion and feelings when it comes to men or situations that don’t go well. When I am done, I am done.

However this last encounter – this one hurt. That raw emotion when your heart just aches and you don’t even understand why. I mean I barely knew him really; we talked a bit, played on the same team (ultimate Frisbee at a cook out) and went on one date; a really nice date (or so I thought) that ended with a really sweet kiss. He made me laugh like genuinely laugh and it always warmed my heart (it’s been a while since I have had that), he made me smile, had all these cute nicknames for me and it just made me glow on the inside. When I heard from him it made my day or night. When he was silent it hurt like hell. I mean really hurt and sent all sorts of grey clouds into my world. The only thing that cured those clouds was hearing from him. Now you would think I had known him for months and we saw each other every day – but that was not the case at all.

Like I said- one date! Just one, but the kiss I got at the end of that date was the softest, sweetest kiss and it gave me butterflies, I just wanted to keep kissing him… but it was short and sweet and then he left. Had I known it would be the last time I was going to see him, I may have pulled him in for another ‘goodbye’ kiss. He was definitely a good kisser... Sigh!!!!!!

We talked a bit over the weeks that followed, texted really, and more often than not, I initiated the texts. I didn’t always get a response and then he would disappear on the weekend. I got a couple of phone calls from him apologizing for it and I always thought, okay he will ask me out today if not, then tomorrow for sure. Well that tomorrow never came, over the course of 5 weeks, I only saw him three times the first night we met at a party, the next day at a BBQ and a week later on our first and only date. I even tried to set up some instances when I would get to see him by asking him to pick me up from the airport so that we could hang out etc, but he always had a reason why he couldn’t come and get me.

I should have got the hint at that point, but I kept plugging on… he always knew what to say to keep me interested without ever tying himself to any kind of commitment. I should have read through the lines but I was too caught up in happy land and building sand castles. (Something I always tell my girls NOT to do) Going 100 mph when the guy is barely moving at 3mph! SMH!!! How in the world did I get caught up in that? That just doesn’t happen! SMDH!

I shared this with my best friend, and he had some interesting insight into it. Asked me some really probing questions and pointed out some glaring facts that stung. I needed to hear it, but man oh man it was like pouring salt and iodine onto a fresh wound. I felt exposed, vulnerable, silly – sigh – you name it I felt it. I really needed to face this, the truth that I was indeed being played, the very thing I always shake my head at when I see other chics being played. I would always say or think, just move on why go through that nonsense; I always maintained I would never stand for that kind of bullshit from a man. Lol – and yet here I was, waiting for my phone to ring, waiting for a text message, waiting to be asked out. Being upset all day because I didn’t hear from him and then skipping the very next minute because I got a ‘hello’. Had I paused long enough to assess the situation, I would have walked away a week after our first date.

The mood changed for him after that, I noticed it but I brushed it away and I didn’t acknowledge it. I didn’t want to – I still don’t want to… sigh… it hurt! Right before I finally conceded and let this go, I was angry, bitter, cynical, ready to retreat into the deepest portion of my cave and not come out for another two years. It hurt, talking about it hurt, thinking about it hurt…! Reading through the text messages trying to see where things dropped off HURTS! I mean this man is HOT!!! Tall, has a smile that will brighten up the gloomiest of days – just yummy!!! Athletic, funny, has a great job, coaches on his off time…Ambitious, an extremely sexy phone voice and Top it all off is a great kisser… and I can only imagine the rest… sigh.. yeah – it hurt quite a bit!

My best friend said to let it go, make my stand known and if he can’t deliver then to let it go. Truth be told I don’t even want to do that, let him know what my stand is or that I am walking away. I don’t see why it is necessary really. I simply want to close the book and move on. My best friend says it’s not the adult thing to do, but sometimes I think it’s okay not to be the adult. I am calling in that card. Perhaps in a few weeks, I can pick up the phone and say – I am done, well I was done 3 weeks ago, but I just couldn’t bring myself to call. It is still too early and too fresh right now. How I got to this point is beyond me. What I do know is that the shutters, walls, fortress, land mine, draw bridge, everything needs to come up. I need to regroup and I need a new plan, a new approach…

So fast forward a couple of days … I did call. I was in a good place, laughing and giggling and having a fantastic time at work and I decided to call. Not for any particular reason but just to simply say ‘hey! you know what it’s cool. I hear you loud and clear and this thing I thought was there between us isn’t and that is fine. Have a great life and see you around at the next cook out.” And keep it moving. He of course did not pick up the phone, so I left a voicemail and when I hang up, I closed that book.

Yesterday at dinner I was talking to a friend of mine and I realized as we talked that I really and truly just want simplicity; a nice easy fun relationship where both parties are REAL, where both people KNOW who they are and why they are, stick to it and accept the other for WHO they are. I really don’t like the dating game I have come to realize; the sitting around, twiddling of thumbs, debating on whether it is too soon to call or not. I feel like it is all such a farce and quite unnecessary. I would just want to be able to pick up the phone and call when I want to or not call when I don’t want to. I would like to go on 7 dates a week or none depending on what is going on. Freedom that is what I am looking for, freedom! Enough with being boxed in to these molds that we supposedly have to fit. Like if I choose to sleep with a guy on the first date – you are classified as easy. You choose to wait till marriage you are a prune, you make him wait 90 days and he does then he is the one… according to whom exactly? Society? What makes them right? I don’t know I just get tired of it all. Now I am sitting here thinking, you may very well have to play this stupid game or not play and be patient.

Now patience is not one of my strong suits, but I am sure I can perfect it… I believe I already started doing that. Even with guys, I have decided they need to fit that “x” factor that makes my heart skip a beat and makes me swoon and do the hand fan action J … they need to be hot. See I have tried the whole “oh the body doesn’t reaaalllyy matter, his personality is solid so it will work right?” well not for this girl. It hasn’t worked, and I am done with that thought process. I have been told on several occasions to stop being vain, well that doesn’t work for me. Going forward – I am going to be vain. I need a hot man in my life, simple as. So even giving out my number etc… that is not going to happen unless I think that there is potential for a possible match. Dancing is one thing…and even that I may start being a bit more picky on… because if all you are doing is grinding – then nope on to the next one. If it is a game that must be played, then I am making my own rules.

Even with response time, attention, dates etc. – if I am not getting the response I would like or if it takes more than 4 days to set up a date, or a follow up date – then I am on to the next one. I am done settling; I know who I am and what I want, so if it doesn’t fit, I am moving on. I am done sitting at someone’s gate hoping that they will come and open it and let me in. My theory is, if he you are what he wants he will make it known. So I will wait for a bit and if you don’t come to the gate then I am gone. If you really want to get me back to your gate and into your house, you will come looking for me and you will do what you need to do to get me back. I am not going to put my life on hold for anyone anymore. There is life to be lived and a dynasty to be built; and I am doing just that.

I am a catch, I am beautiful, I have a hot body, I am ambitious, I am great at what I do, and I have a lot to give. I am done doubting these things about myself. This is WHO I am; I make no apologies for who I am. So if ‘he’ stops and doesn’t like this package or if I don’t like his package then please keep moving and make room for the next suitor. There are several matches out there, and I intend to pick the best of the best.

Another thing, my private life going forward, is going to remain my private life. I find that sharing sometimes can be a bad thing and sometimes you get swayed to do something that you normally wouldn’t do or not do something that your gut is screaming at you to do.  So I am making my life private and only a handful of people will have that insight into the inner workings of Me…

Being Happy For Me...

I feel like sometimes I spend way too much time worrying about my image, who I am attracting to myself, why am I still single, and so many other little things that I seriously forget to pat myself on the back for all the BIG things I have accomplished.

Sometimes it takes hearing it from someone who doesn't even know you, and hears your story and is impressed by it. They don't see all these other things that we tend to think are so extremely important. I had to pause and take a few steps back and see what I have done for myself. See what I have accomplished. And really & trully, I am doing alright! :)

So -yeah I care about my image, but darn gone it, I refuse to keep stressing over every little thing I eat. I will by all means adopt healthier food choices, work out when I get a chance, but purpose to at least do something active once a week to keep my body in balance. Its all about being comfortable in your own skin, and I realized that I am comfortable in my own skin. I love the way I look, sure it would be great to have a super flat tummy with no belly fat whatsoever, but hey - nothing a minor procedure can't fix right? lol ... anyway the point is, I am happy with the way I look, so why keep killing myself over obsessing on what food to eat or not to eat...

And I need to be happy for myself. I have decided to stop looking for someone to make me happy, I don't need anyone to make me happy, I just need me to be happy for me. When I go out, I go to have fun, laugh a little or a lot, forget the woes of work or school and just enjoy being out and about ... If I happen to meet someone in the process, so be it. Its too much unneccessary stress and time always being on the look out for that someone. I need to laugh for me, dance for me, drink for me, go out for me... My Xakuna is out there and we will find each other, simple as...

I have been too caught up putting too much energy into all the wrong things. I have decided to stop stressing, stop trying to force things and just put out what it is i truly desire and let it come to me. My energy needs to be focused on say school work, improving my property, getting results at work.. that kind of stuff... the rest, living life and being happy - that is the easy part... just be! Why cloud my happiness with worry? my free time is my time to be, live, and be merry!!!

So cheers to that, i will drink to that... to living life for me, being happy for me and doing me...

I Just Don't Know

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you just don't know what to feel? Where you are literally torn right down the middle. What exactly does one do when that happens? One half of me - probably my mind, is screaming at me to RUUUUNNNN!!! The other half - probably my soul, is saying wait, be patient, ride this out...good things are just around the corner... just wait.

Thing is for the most part I am usually even keeled, I can weather just about any feeling and more often than not, I can walk away from something and not even bat an eyelid. It hurts yes, but its usually like a 24 hour bug.. I hurt, I cry, I feel the pain and then I get up, dust myself off and walk away. Simple as.

This time, it is not so easy, I am torn, I mean really really torn. I just don't know. I know what I want, I know how I like to be treated, I know how I want to be pursued. I will be the first person to bulk at 'over-attention' or 'over-eagerness'; I do prefer the calm, cool and collected approach. However when you mix that with a personality that is so so hard to read, it changes the dynamics more than a bit. It leaves you wondering where you really stand and if you are headed straight for the rocks at a 100mph. It is even more unsettling when you are used to being the person who is hard to read, who stays a little aloof, who is different.

This one is tough - This one, I just don't know. Do I stick it out or do I walk before I possibly end up having to mend a broken heart?

This is new to me, it is so unsettling, partially because of the distance and I keep telling myself that once we are in the same air space, once we see each other - it will all change. It will help us relax... It will help us see what it was we saw so many weeks ago. I can feel the uncertainty lurking in the horizon, and I keep stumping at it with every intention and all the determination in the world not to let it take hold, because once fear in any capacity takes over, you attract the very thing you don't want...

Here is to postive thinking and being open. If it works - GREAT! If it doesn't then its still great - the moments of sheer joy, giddiness, blushing, laughing myself silly and many many many happy dreams were all well worth it. So what the heck - lets ride this wave....