There are moments in life when the heart is at full capacity. It gets to a point when it just can't take anymore and the tiniest thing becomes the straw that broke the camels back, the last strike that caused the dam to break, the last wave that created a tsunami....
Thing is, we can go along our path, taking hit after hit and absorbing it within our ever so strong armor, telling ourselves we are okay, we can handle it, we can hack... When in reality our brace plate is getting weaker & weaker with each blow.
I have been growing and learning with each experience, with each heart break my heart ironically got stronger, my wisdom grew exponentially and the light bulbs went on time and time again. You'd think it was for the good and that light would flood in and everything would be fine right? Well the lights came on alright.... Full blast and fully functional! Only thing I noticed that the dam was about to break right at the point that it broke. And if you've seen any movie with a dam breaking, there is no stopping it.
For the past three days my heart has been in pieces and the tears won't stop. When the sun goes down and I'm all alone, the tears just start flowing. In my mind I'm mourning the pulling away of the latest hottie... But deep down I know it's for all of them. All the missteps, the mistakes, the foibles, the insecurities all of it. And perhaps all these lessons were for this very moment. The moment I was finally able to let go... Let go of the old version of me and prepare my heart for the whole version. The version that is strong enough to accept love, to be loved, to be placed on a pedestal and to thrive in that world. To say goodbye to the version who didn't understand her worth, and embrace the woman who knows how valuable she is.
A cleansing, a burial, a memorial service. Though we adorn ourselves in black and mourn, we know that it's a continuance day and that is something worth celebrating. Just as surely as we know our dearly departed are just fine and partying in the next realm, as surely as we know the dawn will come, the sun will rise, is as surely as I know that after this storm, after the dam empties out, there will be thee most beautiful view with thee most gorgeous sunrise and thee most breathtaking experience standing on the edge of that beauty taking it all in... I cannot stop the flow of water, but I can let it take its course because when it's done, it will have cleared out a clear path with no boundaries giving way to the most breathtaking view ever seen. And that is worth the agony I'm experiencing right now....
