Have you ever been at a point in your life where you just don't know what to feel? Where you are literally torn right down the middle. What exactly does one do when that happens? One half of me - probably my mind, is screaming at me to RUUUUNNNN!!! The other half - probably my soul, is saying wait, be patient, ride this out...good things are just around the corner... just wait.
Thing is for the most part I am usually even keeled, I can weather just about any feeling and more often than not, I can walk away from something and not even bat an eyelid. It hurts yes, but its usually like a 24 hour bug.. I hurt, I cry, I feel the pain and then I get up, dust myself off and walk away. Simple as.
This time, it is not so easy, I am torn, I mean really really torn. I just don't know. I know what I want, I know how I like to be treated, I know how I want to be pursued. I will be the first person to bulk at 'over-attention' or 'over-eagerness'; I do prefer the calm, cool and collected approach. However when you mix that with a personality that is so so hard to read, it changes the dynamics more than a bit. It leaves you wondering where you really stand and if you are headed straight for the rocks at a 100mph. It is even more unsettling when you are used to being the person who is hard to read, who stays a little aloof, who is different.
This one is tough - This one, I just don't know. Do I stick it out or do I walk before I possibly end up having to mend a broken heart?
This is new to me, it is so unsettling, partially because of the distance and I keep telling myself that once we are in the same air space, once we see each other - it will all change. It will help us relax... It will help us see what it was we saw so many weeks ago. I can feel the uncertainty lurking in the horizon, and I keep stumping at it with every intention and all the determination in the world not to let it take hold, because once fear in any capacity takes over, you attract the very thing you don't want...
Here is to postive thinking and being open. If it works - GREAT! If it doesn't then its still great - the moments of sheer joy, giddiness, blushing, laughing myself silly and many many many happy dreams were all well worth it. So what the heck - lets ride this wave....
