That empty feeling...

Ever get that empty feeling in the depth of your soul? I am sitting here in a hotel room thinking how nice it would be to have the comfort of 'maleness', as I like to call it, around me. Thinking of how awesome it is to feel those strong arms wrap around you making you feel safe, catching a whiff of that cologne that you know so well and absolutely love.

Being away from my home, my room, my comfort zone, looking up and seeing no one else in the room with me, hearing the wind and the rain outside, it brought on this empty feeling... It kind of reminds you that you are human. It reminds you that you sometimes miss having someone. A lot of the time, you get so caught up in your life and you don't even realize that there is something amiss until you feel that pang.

I have learned to weather it, let myself feel what I am feeling. I have learned to allow myself to be honest. To admit that yes in this moment, right now, I really do wish I had that special someone. But I also know that I will not die from the emptiness, and it certainly won't hurt my esteem in any way, it is a simple admission of what is. So many times we hide behind the curtain of 'self sufficiency'. The 'I do not need anyone in my life' mantra - which is totally fine if that is in deed a true representation of what you truly feel. I find it a lot easier to weather the moment and let it pass when I am not hiding behind a curtain of denial. I have done that, but it only served to mask the pain and the loneliness and if anything, it made the pain worse. Accepting it, knowing it is real, and even coming up with a game plan to change your situation if you choose to, makes it bearable. Soon enough the pang subsides, the emptiness goes away, you pick yourself up and you move on.

I have been on quite the journey these past few years, I have been on a search to find myself. It has been downright gut wrenching at times, there were many moments when I constantly asked myself if I had truly made the right decision. Could I go back? Could I change my mind? It was the scariest thing stepping out into a world where I was alone. I had to come up with rent, utilities, groceries, insurance, cell phone bills... the list is endless & I didn't know how I was going to do it on my own. I had always had a roommate and then we had my ex-mother in law's help. Now, now I was on my own. I had to grow up fast! I had to start making smarter choices. Things like cable with all the channels & movies just wasn't going to cut it anymore. I literally had to strip down to the basic essentials. I thought I would die; however, just like everything else I had gone through, I realized that life could go on without cable, or eating out everyday. I adapted. As I kept steady on this track, budgeting my funds and being smarter - I slowly started to dig myself out of the hole that I had created for myself. Sure my ex had contributed to it, but I allowed myself to get sucked in. Some things follow you through life, debt being one of them, and something that I now have to work on. Growing pains they call it. Lessons learned the hard way - but lessons one doesn't forget.

So sitting here listening to the wind and the rain, looking at the untouched portion of my bed, I feel the pang - BUT I also feel warmth; the warmth being that some day soon my soul mate will be sitting next to me looking over my shoulder and wanting to know what I am writing about... It makes me smile. Knowing that I have been through the fire, I have felt the gut wrenching pain, I have doubted my decisions but somehow, somehow I kept moving toward the light, I kept pressing on, I kept being honest with myself. I have to say, true healing didn't begin until I truly forgave myself for everything I put myself through and every decision I made that lead to the very pain and anguish that nearly killed me. Once I forgave myself, I found that it was truly easy to let go. That is when true happiness, relief, and clarity begun to seep into my life and it hasn't stopped since...

Healing pains

The journey to discovering the new me was not particularly easy, nor was it as excruciating or the end of the world as I had thought it would be. The latter thought process being something that paralyzed me for years, kept me from leaving, kept me from being honest with the damage that was running arife within me.

I always find it amusing when I meet people I haven't talked to or seen in years and I tell them I am divorced and their first statement is almost always "What happened? You guys were so happy! You were the perfect couple!" If I had a dollar for each time someone told me that line, I sure would be a millionaire now. I always and still give a generic answer, only a select few know the details. I never felt that it was my place to air the details of our break up to just anyone - especially those people who you simply knew just wanted to have the inside scoop. The people who mattered already knew my/our reasons. Which may beg the question 'why are you writing about it now?' I ask myself that too. I find that I just wanted to write from the soul, share my story with cyber space I guess. Perhpas the Universe will guide someone to these pages, who may need to read what I have been through and apply it to their lives somehow. This is my outlet of sorts; I find it rather calming.

So many times, people will only see the 'perfection' that is your relationship if you appear to be or once were a 'happy couple'. Were we in love at some point of our relationship? Very much so; was our relationship a good one? At multiple points it was; did it have the ability, strong foundation to weather the storms that were brewing ahead? In the beginning - yes; towards the end as we 'grew up' - no. This is the part that no one saw, or that no one wanted to see. They knew the younger, slightly naive, very sheltered, extremely happy, romantic, innocent versions of us and they froze that in their minds. So when the laughter stopped reaching our eyes, when we stopped holding hands, when we made separate trips to visit friends and family, when I went out without him - things that were glaringly obvious to me, no one saw it, no one took notice, no one questioned it, no one asked if everything was okay.

I remember so many nights when I cried, nights where I was literally screaming into the phone and my bestfriends would sit quietly on the other end listening and not always knowing what to say. This was my reality towards the end, and for a very long time, this is all I knew my relationship to be. The happy memories, the laughter, the joy, the tingling sensation, the rapid heartbeats when I saw him, felt him, kissed him . . . ALL those memories got buried under the hurt, the pain, the resentment, the bitterness. I was literally suffocating and I couldn't breathe. This is the point at which I learned how to switch off my feelings, my emotion. The day I decided I had had enough and I was leaving, was the day I literally shut off my feelings for my ex-husband. I do not know how I did it, I just knew that if I was going to survive, if I was going to heal, if I was going to find myself, I had to do it. I figured out that it really is possible to turn off the source of the pain.

I had to let go of everything I knew, I had to let go of friends, I had to let go of possessions, things that would remind me of him, things that would cause 'clutter' in my life. The toughest part was the friends. These were people I had known for years, who I had become close to, people I loved. I remember the moment I let go like it was yesterday. Everyone who knows me, knows I love my birthday and I love to celebrate it in style. On my birthday following our break-up, I discovered my ex was dating a mutual friend, all my 'friends' knew about it, and literally 'stood me up' on the eve of my birthday. We were all supposed to go out that night, but because my ex chose to go out too, (and I suppose his girlfriend would be there too), my friends felt it would be awkward and neglected to call me to tell me where we were to meet up. I thought the plan got cancelled and I was bummed of course, but when I found out the reason I was completely crushed. This wasn't the main plan of course, but it was on the list, and this of course affected The Main Plan because my friends were clearly not going to show up, (except for my best friends of course, who made the night absolutely wonderful). I felt like someone plunged a dagger into my heart. He was going to get to keep our friends, which really were his friends originally, but still - it hurt. Someone had told me this would happen but I really didn't think it would, and I definitely didn't think it would hurt as bad as it did.

I look back at it now, and I realize that it probably was the best thing that could have happened. It allowed me to really take a step back and finally open my eyes. For the first time since the break up, I realized that we had broken up - if that makes sense. It hadn't quite hit me that my marriage was over because I really didn't change much about my life. Sure I moved out, but I still talked to his mum, I still talked to him from time to time, I still hang out with our 'crew'. The main difference to me at the time was the ability to breathe, the freedom I had and that I loved. So this was the wake up call I needed. I would have preferred a more subtle nudge but then again that wouldn't be a wake up call. I went underground after this happened and kept away from events, functions, parties that I knew that our crew would attend. It was tough because I love to party and be around friends, but it was necessary. With time the pain ebbed away and once again, I learned that letting go wasn't the end of the world. It was the first step of many more; the real me was very slowly starting to peek out her head again. I caught a glimpse of her and I had to keep going, no way was I going to stop now...

First Steps...

I am not much of a writer really, though lately I have had this urge to sit down one quiet evening and just write something from my soul. My life has been quite the journey over the past 3 years. Truth be told, had someone had come to me 4 years ago, and said to me that I would be sitting in my living room today, divorced, blogging about my life and on the verge of moving to a different state to start a whole new chapter of my life, I would have laughed at them till my sides hurt and bet them my entire year's salary. A bet, no doubt, I would have lost.

See I was the 'good girl' who did everything right, went by the book, followed all the rules. I was going to get married for life, I was going to have a family some day, even though I knew I didn't want kids, but that is what was expected of me and I know somehow it would have happened. I married into a family that (at the time) you either followed their rules, or you followed their rules. It was tough to break into their inner circle (and something I don't think I ever achieved). There wasn't any room for negotiation, and if you dared to stand up for yourself, or go against the grain, you found yourself on the outside looking in, seeking approval and not getting it. However, the moment you said, I am sorry, my bad, I was wrong, they would open up their arms and say good girl. That is what we like to hear. You are learning, you are becoming a woman. But are you really? Is that really any way for someone to live?

For the longest time I battled within myself. There was a war raging inside of me. A part of me begging and pleading with me to walk away; the other half still standing strong saying this is the right thing to do. You have to stick it out, you cannot let all these people down, you have to fight through it. I was so worried about everyone else I did not pay attention to myself and to what I needed. I spent the night before my wedding in tears, saying how I didn't want to get married, but the next morning I got up and I walked down an aisle and said 'I do'; when all I wanted was to run for the hills. I did it because so much money and time had been put into the wedding, how dare I walk away? What about my husband? Didn't he count? I loved him - didn't I?

I stayed in the marriage where for a good portion, not the entire marriage because there were plenty of great moments, but for perhaps half of the time, I felt alone, I was miserable, bitter, resentful and negativity  oozed through my veins. I literally felt a part of me die each day. There were many tears shed, many fights, many doors slammed, many friendships lost and a world of damage caused that neither of us ever imagined possible. The realization that it was time to walk away didn't hit until I almost lost my job. That was the only thing at the time that was mine, the only thing I held onto, the only thing that took me away from my reality. The day I almost lost it, was the day I realized I needed to get up and get out.

I went home having dodged a bullet as I got to keep my job based on their faith that the real me was still in residence somewhere. I was given a second chance one that I was not going to take for granted. That night after one of the nastiest fights I can recall, my husband at the time, packed a bag and left to go somewhere he would have peace, with his family. I didn't stop him, if anything I encouraged it. The relief I felt when he drove away is indescribable and also sad. For the first time, I felt like I could breathe again. Little did we know that that would be the last time we stood under our roof as husband and wife. My world was about to get bumpy.

It wasn't even so much about the job, I think in that moment, when I snapped at my boss and I ended up in the top office facing a possible suspension, I realized that I had changed. The real me didn't end up in meetings like those, the real me was warm, fun, bubbly, alive, friendly. The woman staring back at me when I looked in the mirror was far from that. She was bitter, angry, spiteful, cynical with not a care in the world. She had put on a lot of weight, didn't care about her appearance at all! Who was she? Where did she come from? When did she take residence? And most importantly, what had she done with the real me? Would I ever find her again?